Notre Dame the Musical: Heaven Help us all!
by Sybl Angelkat
Summary: Just for laughs, I rewrote the 1982 movie version into a musical. Contains elements from Disney and the book as well. The Heaven's Light Theater company has difficulty working together. Misadventure ensues both on and off the stage.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: I got this idea from watching JudgeClaudeFrollo6's videos on . So many of them were very comic and entertaining that I just had to do something! As usual, 1982 version, only I rewrote it in the form of a musical. Here we are, just for laughs! (If you want to know which one specifically that made me come up with this, watch "I'm Mad" on JudgeClaudeFrollo6's account.)

(The scene opens with bells being rung and a chorus of monks singing Latin. Noises ensue from backstage. A dark-haired girl walks onto the stage wearing a red and gold medieval dress and carrying a giant storybook. From the programs passed out to the audience, we can infer that this is none other than Sybl Angelkat herself, the author of the musical.)

Sybl: (whispers) Guys, hush! They can hear you!

Claude: Well, tell Phoebus to stop polishing his mirror with my robes!

Phoebus: I have to see to make sure I'm stage-worthy!

Sybl: You're not even in this scene, you goof! Give Claude his robes back!

Claude: Do I really have to wait until later to kill him?

Sybl: Yes! Now get out here!

Claude: (sighs) I'd better be well-paid for this…

(Everyone gets into position and Sybl lowers her headset microphone down to where it's closer to her mouth. The music has a similarity to "The Bells of Notre Dame")

Built as a homage

To God and to Mary

Behind me stands Notre Dame…

Man's great triumph

And bitter failures alike

Were seen by Notre Dame…

Whoever it was that etched out this word

That stands for anarchy

Probably never once dreamed

At just how right they could be…

(The spotlights come on and reveal the nuns standing around the foundling's bed and laughing. A group of monks stand on the other side of the room examining a Bible.)

Two lives were destined to mingle

Neither one ever could guess

That one of these would grow up a monster

And the other a picture of gentleness…

It began with an act of mercy…

(Sybl backs out of the spotlight and allows the other characters to take over.)

Nun One: If that's how they're making babies these days,

I have no choice but to give up now!

Nun Two: If this is the product of sex and of birth

I'm certainly glad to have taken my vows!

Nun Three: It's so hideous that I can't stop looking,

My imagination has run amok!

In fact, I should go see a doctor

Because I think my eyelids are stuck!

(They burst into giggles. The priest turns to Claude and Claude goes to see what's going on.)

Claude: What's going on down here?

What's the purpose of all of this noise?

Nun One: Someone has left a foundling sir,

Though we're not sure if it's a demon or boy…

Claude: (makes a face) Good God…they never covered this in Bible Study!

(Audience chuckles)

Claude: I will take this child

And raise him as my own

I pity this poor misshapen thing…

Without me, he would never have a home.

Nun Two: What will you call him, Father?

Claude: (spoken) I will call him what I see…the approximation of a human. Quasimodo!

Nuns: Quasimodo?

(The stage fades to black and Sybl reappears.)

So here we have witnessed

The making of history

Which one is the monster

And which one is the man?

Well, you'll see…


	2. Chapter 2

Behind the Scenes…

Claude sighed as he changed out of his white robes and into his black ones. That dolt Phoebus was still checking himself out in the mirror. Quasimodo was just adding the finishing touches to his stage makeup and the set managers were outside getting the scenery changed. The "bishop" cursed as he realized that the clasp had broken on his crucifix necklace.

"Where am I going to get another one? We go on in another five minutes!"

"Catch!" Quasimodo tossed another necklace across the room.

"Where did you get that?" the bishop asked.

"Sybl has a whole drawer full of them right here," Quasimodo replied, "she knew we'd be going through a lot of them—especially when we practiced the fight scene."

"All right then…where is my hat?" Claude asked.

The dark-haired clerical assistant looked down at his feet guiltily.

"Joseph, where did my hat go?" Claude demanded.

"Uh…we were playing Frisbee with it yesterday," Joseph admitted guiltily, "and we sort of tossed it a little too far…it's probably halfway to Las Vegas by now."

Claude groaned.

"Everybody ready? You have two minutes," Sybl announced.

"Joseph lost my hat," Claude muttered.

Sybl produced another black skull-cap.

"Joseph, if I hear about you playing Frisbee with one more of these, I'm making you pay to replace all of them," she snapped, "I don't care how much further they fly than regular Frisbees."

"Fine," Joseph mumbled.

"Places!" Sybl shouted. Everyone fled the dressing room.

…

(Sybl appears back onstage in a cloud of mist. The tune of "Bells of Notre Dame continues")

Sybl:

Twenty-five long years have passed

Since that day in Notre Dame

The part that everyone's waited patiently for;

Smile, audience of Notre Dame!

Bishop:

Here are the papers already signed

New Archdeacon of Notre Dame!

Well done, you have proven yourself

Worthy of Notre Dame!

Claude:

Thank you, Your Holiness

I promise that I won't let you down…

Bishop:

Would you listen to that?

It's as though they are aware,

The very bells of Notre Dame!

Claude:

My ward, Quasimodo, is of whom you speak

His greatest companions are bells

In return they have shattered his eardrums…

But one more affliction, oh well…

(The stage goes dark behind Claude as he is seen getting into a carriage along with Joseph. Phoebus starts to run out onstage, but Sybl gestures frantically for him to get off. Quasimodo eventually pulls a lever and Phoebus drops through a trap door. The audience rumbles in curiosity.)

Sybl: And little did anyone know that their lives would change forever…

(From the dark, there is the sound of a resounding slap.)

Esmeralda: (obviously annoyed) Watch your hands, bud!

Guard 1: Hey! That wasn't me!

Sybl: (clears throat).

Guard 2: I think that's our cue.

Guard 3: Are you sure?

Esmeralda: (groans)

(The guards clumsily stumble into the spotlight and Esmeralda pretends to struggle. However, one of them isn't paying attention and trips over one of the props. Like dominoes, they all fall down.)

Guard 2: Now look what you did, you idiot!

(Sybl shakes her head and mumbles something about aspirin.)

Claude: What's going on here? Why have we stopped?

(One of the guards climbs to his feet, but his pants fall down. The audience laughs at the red hearts on his shorts. Red-faced, he hoists them back up.)

Guard: (blushing furiously) It's a Worship, Your Gypsy Girl. We caught her dancing in the streets.

(Audience laughs. Claude pretends not to notice as any good actor would.)

Claude: Then arrest her. See that she's taken at once…to…

(Dramatic music swells as he looks into her eyes. Spotlights are focused in on he and Esmeralda and we assume that we are hearing Claude's thoughts. The music closely resembles "What I've been looking for" from High School Musical.)

Claude: (sings)

It's hard to believe

That I couldn't see

That you were always there in front of me…

Thought I was alone

How could I have known

That you would appear right beside me…

This feeling's like no other

I want you to know…

Joseph: (Clears throat)

(Claude snaps out of his reverie.)

Claude: Bring her here.

Esmeralda: Have mercy! Help me, sir! I must dance to eat, to live! I have no money!

Joseph: (scowls) She's a witch!

Esmeralda: No! Help me! Is it really so terrible to dance in the streets?

(Joseph begins to snort with laughter. Claude elbows him in the ribs. The horses feel the shift in pressure and take off with both Claude and Joseph. It results in one of the building façade sets being knocked over. The audience chuckles. Desperate to save the scene, Esmeralda turns to the audience.)

Esmeralda: Well…maybe he's not too bad of a man…he did at least take the time to think it over, did he not?

Guard: I know what he was thinking and it wasn't about that!

(Audience laughs.)

Esmeralda: Will you shut up? You're going to give the next scene away!

(One of the stagehands has finally caught up with the horses and calmed them. The carriage is drawn back onto the stage with Claude and Joseph looking rather disheveled.)

Claude: That's it, I'm driving next time! You forgot to set the parking brake, you idiot! Oh…

(He grins cheesily, realizing that they're back onstage. Clearing his throat, he adjusts his disheveled appearance by correcting the askew angle of his hat and straightening his collar.)

Claude: (now addressing Esmeralda) What is your name?

Esmeralda: (gives a hopeful smile) Esmeralda.

Claude: And you are a gypsy?

Esmeralda: They tell me so…I don't know.

(Claude thinks for a moment. Then, he addresses the guards.)

Claude: Release her.

Joseph: (looks stunned) Your Excellency?

Claude: Let her go. (He pulls the curtain closed, but it comes loose and ruins an otherwise very good exit.) Crap! I'm going to have a word with the propmaster about these budget cuts!

Joseph: (groans)


	3. Chapter 3

(The set suddenly lights up again, this time with all the trappings of a celebration. Pierre appears, frantically gathering up all of his actors/actresses for his morality play. All of the public officials get settled in. Unfortunately, the crowd gradually begins to grow restless and they start with their own various antics. The music from the episode "I'm mad" from the Animaniacs cartoon begins to play. Jehan, easily recognizable by his resemblance to Claude except for being younger and a lot less serious about life, shoves his way to the front of the crowd to address Pierre.)

Jehan:

Start the play! It's late!

It's twenty minutes after eight!

I'm not here to watch you stand around

I want to see a show right now!

Get up there on that stage

Before we're all bored into a rage

I could have had three drinks

If I'd have known you'd all stand around and blink!

Esmeralda: (to Clopin) No, I can't!

Clopin: What's your problem?

Esmeralda: He's warned me once already, I'll be arrested!

Clopin: No, you won't.

Esmeralda: Yes, I will!

Clopin: Don't exaggerate!

Esmeralda: I'm not!

Clopin: You'll be all right.

(The crowd's noise gets louder.)

Esmeralda: I think there's going to be fight!

Clopin: (Spoken) Don't change the subject!

(He grabs her chin to force her to look at him.)

Esmeralda: Will you get out of my face!

Clopin: Go and make their blood race! You have a job to do and I won't take no for an answer!

(Pierre senses that the crowd cannot wait any longer and signals the play to start. Esmeralda is safe for the time being from having to dance—she breathes a sigh of relief, especially since she's in a cathedral.)

Pierre: Is he here yet?

The wayward cardinal,

This is awful!

The day's got a wretched start!

The crowd is restless

They don't appreciate

All the thought I've put

Into this play!

My nerves are rattling me apart

And my stomach's in a knot!

(Jehan boos enthusiastically. Claude makes a face and yells at him to be quiet, but his cry is swallowed up by the less than amused crowd. The cardinal makes an appearance, but the cathedral has drowned in chaos.)

Jehan:

I'm mad, I'm mad!

I'm really, really mad!

I could have spent my time elsewhere-

Claude: (glares) you mean drunk?

Jehan: Don't give me that stare!

Claude: Why haven't you been to class lately?

Jehan: Someone stole my book!

Claude: All three of them?

Jehan: Well…

Claude: You sold them!

Jehan: No, I didn't! Not exactly!

Pierre: (addressing the cardinal that just arrived)

I can't get their attention.

Cardinal: just try it

(now addressing crowd) will all of you be quiet?

I forbid any one of you from speaking another word!

(He takes his seat and everyone else sits down.)

Claude: (thoughtfully)

Every year the Feast of Fools

Is always just the same!

With the drinking and the fighting

And all of these ridiculous games!

There's the pushing and the shoving

And all these sinful things

And by the time the sun goes down

I absolutely want to scream!

(Pierre has absolutely no luck with capturing the crowd's attention. Clopin chooses that moment to make an appearance as a beggar with some scary-looking rash on his arm.)

Clopin:

Spare a coin for

This poor beggar!

Could you share

A little extra?

Please?

This rash is painful

Really itchy!

Quickly spreading!

Help me get a cure!

(Pierre smacks his forehead. Esmeralda decides she's had enough and steps out of the cathedral. At this point, we know that Claude has been too busy seething at Jehan to notice that she was there. She begins to dance and the gypsies flock outside to start making music. Within a matter of seconds, he loses the entire audience.)

Pierre: (spoken in a pathetic, tearful tone) Come back! …There goes my supper…

Jehan:

We're out! We're out!

Thank God, I want to shout!

Now, let's get down to the most important part!

Give the King of Fools a crown!

Come, ugly faces, come on down!

You'll be a king until the sun goes down!

Let's get started right away!

(Music plays as the men show their faces to the crowd. The crowd boos at them and throws various foodstuffs, but it's all in good fun. Then, everyone goes quiet after Quasimodo is seized and thrust to the front.)

Jehan: There! Let's crown this one the king.

(He puts the jingling fool's cap on Quasimodo's head, gives him the cheap scepter, and helps him into the chair. The crowd hoists the chair up and Quasimodo waves and laughs. He's clearly having the time of his life. Esmeralda takes advantage of this distraction and begins to gather up her coins. Unknown to her, Joseph has spotted her.)

Joseph: (scowls) Guards! Seize her!

Esmeralda: (yelps and protests, but can't get away. The stage darkens as Sybl makes an appearance.)

Sybl:

We'll leave the streets where the sun always shines

For the shadow of Notre Dame…

Up the dark stairways to that distant tower

The mystery of Notre Dame…

Claude is a very curious man

He could never choose between

His two loves; science and God…

Claude: (spoken) I'm sure that the element is fire…but how to separate it? (Mumbles and writes something down.)

What need had he for the arms of a woman?

His work was his mistress for years

But to his chagrin, his mind is wandering

When her tambourine shakes in his ears…

He feels only a flicker of what might transpire

Once as straight as a church spire

But now poor old Claude's heart is on fire

Inside of Notre Dame….


	4. Chapter 4

Backstage:

"I haven't had this much fun since I really was a thief!" Clopin laughed, stripping off the prosthetic skin that made his arm look disfigured.

"Yeah…don't think I didn't notice all the crucifix necklaces and the priest jewelry missing," Sybl reminded him sharply, "all that stuff better be put back by the next scene!"

Clopin had the withered look of a scolded child.

"You can't prove anything!" he said defensively.

"I can't? Try this," Sybl said, holding up the camera, "you showed up in the background when Phoebus went on a self-portrait spree."

Clopin scowled and began to dump the jewelry back into the drawer from his hat.

"The hunchback had better be having more fun than I am!"

Sybl rolled her eyes. She quickly did a mirror check before slipping back onto the stage. Phoebus had given up trying to go onstage before his time and was checking out a few of the female stagehands. Claude was in the other room griping out the prop master about the faulty curtain, Joseph was trying to fend off the temptation to play Frisbee with the skull-caps, and the animal handler was getting Claude's horse ready.

"Claude! Get out here!" Sybl yelled. Claude hastily appeared, then stared at the black mare.

"Oh, no…riding in the carriage was bad enough," he objected, "I am NOT getting on that thing!"

Sybl placed her hands on her hips.

"Would you rather ride a donkey?"

He shook his head. The last time he'd done it, there were all these jokes about who had been the bigger…well, you get the picture.

"Up," Sybl demanded.

Claude couldn't seem to get onto the mare's back. The material of his robes made him too slick. The purple blankets that she wore also didn't help the matter. With a sigh of exasperation, Sybl retrieved a stepladder. The mare turned her head to look at Claude as if to say "what in God's name are you doing back there?"

Phoebus appeared in the doorway and chuckled. He picked up the camera that Sybl had placed on one of the counters and took a few amusing shots. After some huffing and puffing and considerable efforts on both her and Claude's part, he was in the saddle. Sybl grabbed the reins and led the horse to the edge of the stage. She hoped that things didn't go badly…they'd already had enough mishaps tonight.

(The gypsy party had picked back up once Sybl left the stage. Quasimodo was still riding around in his chair. Jehan and a few others were now drunk and acting increasingly silly. The horse walks to the center of the stage and stops. There is an ominous silence.)

Claude: (spoken) Set him down!

(They lower the chair. Claude snatches the scepter out of Quasimodo's hands. The crowd expects a clean break, but Claude has to put considerably more effort into it than it should take. Panting and red-faced from the effort, he tosses the pieces aside and snatches the jingling crown off of Quasimodo's head. Quasimodo looks confused and sad, but he understands: he should never have left home. He moves to follow behind Claude's horse when the animal picks the most inopportune time to take a bathroom break. The audience laughs hysterically as everyone moves away.)

Claude: (whispering irritably to the horse)You could have done that in Phoebus's room, you know!

Phoebus: (from offstage) I heard that!

(The now relieved mare saunters off the stage and the annoyed stagehands move to get the mess off of the stage while the actors skirt around that area in an attempt to keep the show moving forward. Thankfully, it's time to change scenes anyway and they're spared more of that awkwardness.)

Joseph: (to the tune of "Trouble" by Pink)

No more sad stories

To plead your case

No more parlor tricks

To lead us on a chase

We told you what was right

But you did wrong

Straight to jail, straight to Hell

Is where you always belonged!

You're in trouble now!

You're trouble!

You're in trouble now!

All the beauty in the world

Isn't going to help you now!

Esmeralda:

You tell me to do right

But you do wrong

You've been prejudiced

Against me all along

Having my people killed

Or thrown into jail

I think you're the one

Who ought to burn in Hell!

He's a good man,

Wait and see

He'll see reason

To try and help me!

So I'm in trouble

What else is new?

I'm in trouble

But not when it comes to you

Together:

When you see me coming down the street

Know that here's the match you'll meet!

(The song ends with an enthusiastic gypsy playing a lute that sounds suspiciously like an electric guitar. Joseph glances over at the man and he runs away. Claude appears, obviously glad to be rid of the horse. He takes his riding gloves off and prepares to go give Quasimodo the chewing out of a lifetime. Joseph approaches him.)

Claude: (spoken) Later.

Joseph: (spoken) This will only take a moment of your time. We need only your consent.

Claude: (spoken) My consent? To what?

Joseph: (spoken) It's the gypsy girl, Your Worship. Even after you warned her, she deliberately disobeyed you and we caught her dancing in the streets again. We'll have her taken straight to the Bastille—we need only your consent.

Claude: (spoken) Where is she now?

(Joseph nods in the direction behind Claude.)

Claude: (gulps) You brought here?

(He considers his next move. Joseph looks far too pleased with himself for comfort.)

Claude: I will speak with her.

(Joseph moves forward, but Claude holds up a hand in a 'stay here' gesture.)

Joseph: (looks suspiciously at him.) As you wish…

(The tune of "Sweet Escape" by Gwen Stefani starts.)

Esmeralda:

If I could escape…I would

But first of all, let me say

Have mercy, I have listened

I'm just having a bad day!

(She drops to her knees and grabs the front of his robes in a desperate manner.)

Cause I've never talked to men of the church before

It's all their fault for always locking door

Maybe that's the reason we're all the way we are…

If I could escape

And be free again just once more

Maybe I could be a different girl

Forever, we could work together

And tell me, now, wouldn't that be sweet?

Sweet escape, sweet escape?

Claude: (spoken) Get up!

(He turns to look at the audience and we are again hearing his thoughts.)

She melts me down,

I'm at my lowest boiling point,

God help me out! Please help me make the right choice!

I need you now

To help me sort it out

Instead of locking her up…

Please help us find solid ground…

Esmeralda:

So maybe

This whole thing's a little crazy

I don't want to seem lazy

Waiting on you to come save me

I can see that they're angry

By the way that they treat me

Hopefully he won't leave me

To deal with everyone else…

If I could escape

And be free again just once more

Maybe I could be a different girl

Forever, we could work together

And tell me, now, wouldn't that be sweet?

Sweet escape, sweet escape?

(Music fades and the crowd applauds wildly. Claude looks relieved—at least one scene has gone right.)

Claude: (spoken) Let you go? If you leave this cathedral, you will be taken straight to the Bastille. I am afraid there is no hope for you now…unless…

(He leans in as though he is telling her some great big secret.)

Claude:…here, in this cathedral, you may claim sanctuary. In the bell tower, there is a place for you to sleep. I will look after you and see that you are cared for.

Esmeralda: (surprised) You?

Claude: I will pray for you.

(The soldiers realize that they aren't going to win an argument against the archdeacon, so they leave. Joseph has been eavesdropping and watches them walk away. Claude leads Esmeralda up to the bell tower. A nearby statue falls over and breaks just as they disappear.)

Joseph: (sighs) Not again!

(The stage darkens and Sybl appears while the stage is being rearranged behind her for the next scene.)

Sybl: (to the tune of "Bells of Notre Dame" as always)

Now safe from the law,

She'd never have guessed

She'd be safe in Notre Dame

Her first knight wore flowing black robes

And his sword and shield were Notre Dame…

But one has to wonder

With all of this chaos

What really lies under the cross over his heart

Can he save her just as he promised

Or will all of Paris be torn apart?

(She opens the giant storybook and flips the pages theatrically. She holds the book up and turns it this way and that as if reading to a bunch of elementary school kids.)

(Spoken)

We'll find out after a short break!


End file.
